New Paths, Alternative Routes

Another change, another deviation from our established and predictable path. A relatively new anxiety for H makes travel much more difficult. He isn’t a fan of long car rides and his anxiety, small children or babies crying or screaming, makes air travel impossible unless I buy out the entire plane, which I cannot do. He has flown before without issues but this new anxiety changes that. I would love to take him afar to new and familiar places but this change makes me reexamine how important extensive travel is to his quality of life. Does it create happiness or does it create more stress and anxiety? Are short trips with familiar people all he needs? Is the pain and guilt of not traveling with him his or mine? 

 

He enjoys the concept of travel and vacation especially if he hears someone else is going on vacation. Yet even the planning elevates his anxieties with the stress of the unknown, the unfamiliar, the unexpected. Video chats allow interaction and connection daily. Yet there’s an unspoken uneasiness when we are out of town. What if something happens? What if he needs something? What if? The What If game, introduced in an earlier blog post, is a black hole.  

Of course there are dependable people close by. For that, we are forever grateful. But all parents know this isn’t exactly the same, as does H. A hint of uneasiness surfaces immediately with every Facetime conversation. He always begins by asking if we are still out of town or out of state, knowing we are and that we are unable to get to his house in our standard and expected 15-minute drive. The needs are usually simple. Typically he is out of soda, something that doesn’t register as an emergency or require immediate action, at least not for me. The hint of sadness in his voice creates a tinge of guilt that he has been left behind. I tell him it’s a work trip so he accepts it more gracefully and does not ask to join, unable to comprehend his inability to cope. Each day I remind him it is one day closer to our return. Each call we discuss what we will do next time we see each other.

 

But the return is glorious. It makes his universe align again with predictability and happiness as he awaits our presence. And, of course, a gift from afar.